How did I find this light? It started when I was only 4 or 5 years old. Sometimes I was avoiding my mom’s bad mood, or my brother’s extreme teasing, but for one reason or another I would go out into the backyard to hide. To hide, and talk to God. I wasn’t exactly aware that I was going out for that purpose, but that’s what I always ended up doing. God heard all about my childhood problems, and you can bet I took Him to task for allowing certain things to be arranged as they were!
But He was kind. He never made me feel guilty or that He might be upset with me in any way. He didn’t rush to fix things, either. I just talked, and He listened.
And one day something new happened. I was standing outside on a sunny morning, staring into the trees, and gradually I felt a warmth, warmer than the sun ever was but not hot. Then I realized that the bright day had taken on a different quality than it had ever shown me before. As I began to see the trees less clearly, what came into my field of vision was more and more light… a beautiful, shiny, golden light that surrounded me and somehow had a presence of comfort and love.
At the same time I thought I saw an angel, even though it wasn’t really there, not in the way the trees had been. I could feel her radiating love and this beautiful light down on me as she seemed to float above me in the air. I would stand there as long as it lasted. As best I can remember, that’s how I came to know my companion.
Memories are so elusive, aren’t they? And yet this is as real to me as if it had happened this morning. That is how I connect to the light still.
But even as I’m writing now, I also remember the same light pouring out of the countenance of my aunt. She had lived with us the last few months of her life as she was dying of cancer. I was just two and a half then, and these are my earliest memories of all. Although she had two little boys of her own that she dearly loved, I was the little girl she never had. I had the curly blonde hair and blue eyes, and loved nothing more than sitting next to her on the bed, singing children’s songs. It always smelled of coffee in her room, and she always had a radiant smile for me. Complete acceptance with no demands, other than to just be who I was. It was heavenly.
It’s funny. It never occurred to me that my friendship with the Light began there, found in the loving heart of my dying aunt. When I think about it now it makes perfect sense. The Light always has the quality of Divine Love that I came to know in those days.
It doesn’t matter where you first experienced this love, or with whom, even if they’re gone. If you close your eyes and concentrate on the love, allowing the physical vessel which brought it in to you to recede, you’ll find that the love is always the same; always there. We just need to release all the conditions we place on IT to show up in a certain way. We need to be unconditional with love itself in order to let it express itself to us in all its glory.
So if you’re feeling unloved, think about this:
- Am I really feeling unloved because I am not feeling loved by someone the way I want them to love me?
- Have I shut down any other possibility for love to show up in my life right now?
- Am I playing hard to get with love, being stubborn or angry until it gives me exactly what I want?
If any of these is true, it’s probably time to practice letting go of your expectations, even if you don’t think you can. Just try it for a few minutes. You can tell yourself you’re going to pick those expectations right back up as soon as this exercise is over! So let go… and expand your thinking and your viewpoint. Take a broader look at your life and the love that is really there in all its forms, through your pets, your friends, your family, your partner, the flowers in your garden or your neighbors garden if you don’t have one of your own… anywhere and anyway you can imagine it. Imagine it now until you begin to feel it. Once you do, even if you think you’re making it up, stay with it for a few more minutes. Let it grow until it is glowing, and the light becomes brighter and brighter and you can bathe in it, breathe it, absorb it into every cell of your body. Stand or sit and let it cover you in the most delicious love-filled light you ever dreamt about.
I promise you, it’s real. It’s as real as you are, and it wants to be with you all the time. It already is there, actually. You just need to turn your attention to it and there it will always be. It’s we who turn away, so remember to take time to stand in the light each day, even just a little, and be renewed.